I Just Can’t

The ULTIMATE House Hunters Drinking Game

Set the scene: you’re sitting on your couch, pantless,  crumbs on your chest, while watching hour 4 of a House Hunters Binge. You’ve screamed at the TV over the irrational expectations vs. budget, you’ve gasped at how much $200k can buy you in Atlanta, and you’ve questioned how some of these demanding women can have significant others while you’re still swiping on Tinder. 

What if I had a way to make that scene even better? I know, I know- it seems * pretty * unrealistic, but, gurllll I promise you I can. Inspired by true events, I proudly introduce to you…

         ::drum roll::

                    ::hold it.::

            The Ultimate House Hunters Drinking Game!  A perfect way to elevate your next binge!

house hunters

TAKE A SIP ANYTIME:

  • one person wants a “project”
  • you hear “recently married couple”
  • “He wants modern but she wants character”
  • someone mentions “character”
  • someone wants hardwood but the other wants carpet
  • you hear “room to entertain”

TAKE TWO SIPS ANYTIME:

  • someone mentions “open concept”
  • someone mentions “over budget”
  • one person complains about a pool
  • someone wants a “white kitchen”
  • the term “busy street” is mentioned
  • one person mentions proximity to “town”, “shops”,  or “beach”

FINISH YOUR DRINK IF:

  • The realtor mentions how difficult the couple is
  • “mature trees” is mentioned
  • the term “whimsical” is a priority
  • you guess the right house
  • they pick the worst house

And, there ya have it. Look, don’t operate heavy machinery after participation. Also, I am not responsible if you drunk text your ex. This game is even better in a group! 

Excerpts from my Facebook Notes

I read this article recently that stated Pisces, like me, enjoy “blasts from the past”. And, while I do enjoy reminiscing, I have to say- I definitely do not enjoy receiving daily reminders from Facebook of how annoying I used to be. (or, maybe I still am?)

Today, I was reminded that I subtweeted before subtweeting was even I thing with this status form 8 years ago:

screen-shot-2016-10-25-at-1-19-34-pm

The sad part is, I can tell you exactly who that is about. In fact, we still talk. And, I don’t even think we were Facebook friends when I wrote this. And, the reason I was “giving up on them”,  was because they never sent me study notes. So, why did I feel compelled to make that my status at 12:41 a.m. on October 25th? Nobody will ever know.

After reading that prolific, angsty, status from college, I decided to browse through some more of my angsty teenage work; AKA, my Facebook notes. Yes. I used Facebook notes. I didn’t know how to “LiveJournal”, and I was pretty much the biggest loser on Myspace (the anxiety I used to suffer about being in someone’s Top 8 will forever plaque me) so I used Facebook to get my opinions out there.

All of my titles are embarrassing song lyrics, and I start each article with a quote.

 

screenshot-2016-10-25-13-35-32

Oh yeah, bask in that embarrassment right there. And, because I think we could all enjoy laughing at my embarrassing self, here are a few of my favorite excerpts from my Facebook Note Days, with comments from present day Leanne.

 

  1. I don’t like sentences anymore. They’re too structured, and constricting. Of course, talking in fragments, although probably very amusing, would not suffice for successful communication, so, instead, I’m going to list a few talking points.

Great analysis, Leanne. Buzzfeed & Listicle clearly stole their formats from you.

2. Dear Upstate…

You’re right. Every single stereotype that you have of Long Island is entirely true. We have atrocious accents, we are terrible drivers, and we pay money out of our toenails to live on a island that eventually is going to either flood, or float away. And, sure we live close to the epicenter of the world, and have beaches, and Fire Island, but in the end it is you people who have the right idea. Kudos to you for not living on this deadly piece of land.

I wrote this at the end of my freshman year of college because I had a giant crush on someone from Upstate NY, and I thought the only way he would like me is if I agreed that Long Island sucked. Now, I’m here to retract this statement, because LONG ISLAND IS THE BEST AND UPSTATE NY IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. WITH YOUR STUPID WEIRD ACCENTS AND ALL. I’D RATHER SAY “DAWG” AND “TAWLK”, THAN EXAGGERATE MY “Os”. ALSO, WEGMANS ISN’T THAT GREAT.  Boom, mic dropped. – won the argument, 7 years later.

3.     I get mocked a lot for writing these notes. So much so, that I have actually been discouraged to write for a while now. When someone (cough, my brother, cough) endlessly mocks you at Easter dinner for writing, (even though they provided you with a book that teaches you how to write for a specific audience) you tend to want to give up.

Oh, the emo nature of this note. Why didn’t someone just buy me a journal back then? But, for real, they had every right to mock me for these notes. In fact, they were entirely right the whole time.

4. 

Anyway, in other news.. My parents have been badgering me endlessly because I’m a texting machine. Everytime I get a text they ask “who is it?!” and, when the answer “a friend” doesn’t suffice for them, they lurk over my shoulder to try and get a glance.I guess they’re not used to having me home, nor am I used to having to answer to someone. They’ve gotten better though. Last night I didn’t get home until about 2:30, and they didn’t even mind.. I also left my dads car empty because I had no money, and he didn’t even get upset.

It would appear that I’ve kept a few of the same writing tendencies; overusing the word “anyway”, and of course, misplacing commas. On to the bigger picture here; I was 19- my parents had every right to lurk over my shoulder since they paid for everything and I was probably costing them a fortune with my ridiculous texting tendencies. Also, leaving my Dad’s gas tank empty? Jesus, I was an asshole.

5. You put the “boom, boom” into my heart.

Can anyone name the song that line comes from? 
So, I’ve done the facebook note in all aspects of the day… Hell, I’ve written notes at 4 am… But, I thought I’d give you, my reader, a new perspective: The Amtrak train. It is 4:21 p.m. and I just left Rensslear Station

 

This was written on February 14th, 2009. I had romanticized the idea of writing on the train ever since I read that Edgar Allan Poe enjoyed it. I don’t know if that fact is true, but someone told me that and I believed them. I rushed off campus that day to “go work at the restaurant”, but the reality is; I found out my giant freshman year college crush had asked another girl to be his Valentine and I was heartbroken. Oh, to be 18 again.

 

6. I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no f’n way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

My first Facebook note. And, instead of crediting Dane Cook for his genius comedy in 2006 (what ever happened to him?) I just wrote it like I wrote it. Interestingly enough, Dane Cook said jokes like he wrote them too.

Ah, what a fun trip down memory lane. I’ll be back in a few days when I’m not so mortified by myself.

 

My Weird Life

(editors note. ((Wait, is it an editors note if I’m the writer AND editor? It seems sort of counter-intuitive. Or, egotistical. Actually, it seems like both. But, I’m going to move on…))Editors Note– this post was inspired by that glittery snapchat filter. So, the moral is to go follow me on snapchat because I do weird shit on their: sup_leanne)

wait i cant_i like being weird

I’ve done some weird shit in my life. I’ve embarrassed myself on multiple occasions, multiple times a day in fact, and yet, it never really seems to phase me. Yesterday, I was reminded of some weird things i did in college, and I thought “that’d be a great blog post, Leanne! Compile a list of weird things you do, have done, or think you’ve done for the world to see!”. Because, if we can’t be transparent on our blogs what’s the point?

So, here’s a list of weird things I do, or have done. Because, why not.

  1. I once ate glitter, to see if you could “poop” glitter

My Junior Year roommate and I had read online that people can actually shit glitter. Thinking we were fabulous human beings who should be shitting glitter, we decided to try it. Chugging down goldschlager, and boxed pinot grigio, we eventually became buzzed enough to embark on this experiment. We ate glitter, then waited. We checked our pee, and the next morning, we checked our… deposits… to see if there would actually be glitter in it. Well, there wasn’t. And, glitter doesn’t taste that great. So, it was an unsuccessful evening.

2. I Used to have this Fantasy Where I was a Famous Singer

Perhaps we can accredit this one for my wild imagination, or, perhaps we can just call me weird. From the age of 10 to about 17 (last year)   I fantasized about being a famous celebrity. I was a singer, actress, and philanthropist who literally envisioned herself into any role she deemed acceptable. I was married to whoever my celebrity crush was at the moment, and, for a long time, that’s how I fell asleep at night; imagining the life of the rich and famous.

I’m sure other people did the same- but, probably not to the same degree that I did.

3. I Plot Escape Routes for Different Scenarios

This is mostly when I’m at work by myself, but I plot different escape routes for various situations. A customer I don’t want to talk to? Dash down or up the back staircase until someone shoos them away. A Jehovah Witness at my door? Silence Emmett and hide in the bathroom. I also have different side roads that I can turn down on my route home should I feel like I’m being followed (although, the last one is actually probably more strategic than the rest)

4. I have Fake Conversations in My Head In Case I Ever Need Them

This is probably due to the fact that I’m the youngest child/youngest cousin, and spent my whole life being tricked by older kids, but, I have a repertoire of conversations in my head for any occasion. I also have a list of conversations ready in my head for crazy catering clients, because, let me tell you, you need that.

5. I stop the microwave at :01 second. 

the beep is too annoying for words. And, during the duration of my microwave time, I like to pretend I’m in a game show to finish other tasks. It’s kind of like being a contestant on Double Dare, but, with less slime.

6. I Used to Send Pictures of my Poop to My Best Friend

I did. I’m not even going to lie. Since we were teens we would talk, in depth I might add, about our bowel movements. We’ve “adulted” since then, but, sometimes, when I have a really good one, I consider sending it to her.

I’m sure I’ve done a litany of other things, and I’m also more than positive that Mark could tell you all my other strange quirks, but, I think I’m done sharing for today.

 

Happy Friday!